Thursday, 4 December 2014

20 Reasons You Don’t Have a Boyfriend

Manolith, a men’s lifestyle
online magazine, recently ran
the article 20 Reasons You’re
Still Single. I was delighted to
learn that there are apparently a
significant number of men who
want a relationship and need
advice. The piece addresses a
wide range of typical male
weaknesses, including
questionable hygiene,
douchebaggery and being “too
One of the premises of Hooking
Up Smart is that in general, men
are more interested in sexual
variety than women, and
therefore less interested in
committed relationships.
Individual preferences fall within
a spectrum, but current
relationship and cultural
dynamics can be said to favor
the male. Women need to be
smart and strategic if they want
to secure and maintain a
satisfying relationship.
Many contributing factors have
created “hookup culture,” where
physical intimacy precedes
emotional intimacy, which may
or may not develop. While the
odds may be against committed
relationships, there are some
happy couples to be seen
around. Even at college, that
Happy Hookup Hunting Ground,
you see couples walking hand
in hand. It happens.
Is it a matter of luck? Right
place, right time? Or are there
women who have a knack for
bringing out the boyfriend in
guys? None of us can control
luck or timing. We can present
our best physical selves by
taking care of ourselves and
taking pride in our appearance,
but we can’t mess (much) with
the genetic hand we’ve been
dealt. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that we can
control our behavior, and that
can change everything! I’m not
suggesting that you change to
get yourself a man. I’m
suggesting that there are
certain behaviors that men, as
well as discriminating women,
find unattractive. In fact, there
are certain behaviors that
actually telegraph that you are
not relationship material.
Becoming aware of those
behaviors, and getting rid of
them, can be very powerful in
changing the way that you are
My 20 tough love
reasons for why you
don’t have a boyfriend:
1. You’re needy. You met him
last weekend, he texted a few
times, and now you just won’t
leave the guy alone. You went
from 0 to 60 in a few days.
You’re already planning for next
weekend. This is probably the
#1 behavior that gets girls
labeled psycho in the early
2. You like players. You say
you want a nice guy, but you
fall for the same lines again and
again. You can’t resist the bad
boys, the ones who have
dumped on other women. You
think that you will be different,
that nabbing a player will
validate your feminine powers.
But the player always wins,
because the player always
3. You’re a princess. You want
a man who will proclaim to the
world that he is whipped as
butter. He will worship the very
ground you walk on. Trouble is,
the only men who will happily
inhabit a one-down position in a
relationship have no balls. Do
you really want a guy who will
eagerly go to a bunch of chick
flicks with you? Wouldn’t you
rather accompany him to
Transformers from time to
4. You flirt too much. Flirting is
an essential skill in any
woman’s toolkit. It is meant to
indicate to a guy that you are
singling him out for special
attention because you are
attracted to him. If you flirt like
crazy with every Y
chromosome you encounter, it
loses its effectiveness, and
makes you seem “not very
choosy.” Also, if you are
spending time with a guy but
can’t stand the idea of hiding
your light under a bushel, he is
not going to appreciate your
flirting with other men. It makes
him look and feel less manly,
and awakens unwelcome
feelings of jealousy.
5. You’re not in the game.
If you’re shy, reserved, or aloof,
you are not approachable. Many
beautiful women are ignored by
guys because the odds of
rejection are too high. You also
telegraph likely rejection if you
hold back. If you find a guy
attractive, meet him halfway by
signaling your interest with eye
contact and a smile. If you
know him, pay him some
6. You’re too picky. You want a
guy who is well-educated,
financially successful,
handsome, funny, witty,
generous, blah blah blah. You
want a 10. Get realistic. How
about well-educated, funny and
generous? Or handsome and
witty, but a poet, i.e. broke?
Perhaps financially successful,
generous and fun to be with, but
never went to college? Keep an
open mind when you’re sizing
up men. Allow yourself to find
the good.
7. You’re a Girl Gone Wild. Stop
dancing on tabletops when
you’re drunk. In fact, stop
getting drunk. Drunk is ugly. No
one, male or female, ever
became more attractive when
they got drunk (beer goggles
just fool you into thinking they
did). When you are drunk, you
say and do foolish things. Step
away from the beer pong table.
If you wouldn’t do it sober…then
you really don’t want to do it at
8. You’re ditzy. I once knew a
very smart woman who
exclaimed at a frat party that
she thought Mt. Rushmore was
a natural phenomenon. I don’t
know why some women love to
get all girly and giggly. I
suppose it makes them feel
sexier, a la Marilyn Monroe. If
you’re with a guy who wants his
women stupid, you need a new
guy. Lose the simpering act.
9. You’re a Mean Girl.
Seriously, stop being a bitch.
I’ve heard guys speak in awe
(and fear) of mean girls, but
Chuck Bass is the only guy I’ve
ever seen who really wanted to
love one, and he’s fictitious.
Sometimes, guys want to get
with mean girls because they’re
powerful, but that relationship
isn’t about love.
10. You’re high maintenance.
You always feel slighted. He’s
always saying and doing the
wrong thing. Your feelings are
constantly hurt, and he is
constantly apologizing. Fighting
all the time can be rewarding in
the short-term, because it
amps up the sexual tension for
makeup sex, but ultimately it’s
a total boner-killer.
11. You’re aggressive. You act
like one of the guys. You
pursue, make moves, call the
shots. You say that you’re a
liberated woman, so you can
grab whatever cock grabs your
fancy. That will get you laid, but
try to remember that it’s the
male of the species that got the
big dose of testosterone. That
male is biologically
programmed to seek his
complementary opposite –
which includes a much larger
dose of estrogen. You can be
strong, independent, and very,
very female.
12. You’re self-absorbed. You
talk about yourself all the time.
You talk about your ex all the
time. You cry on his shoulder all
the time when you don’t get
what you want. You’re not really
giving. You’re not emotionally
engaged in a caring and
generous way. If you’re not
curious about him; if you are
not hungry for details about who
he is and what he’s into, then
maybe he’s the wrong guy. Or
maybe you’re the wrong girl.
13. You’re a homebody. You’re
not out there meeting new
people every day. You are not
going through each day looking
to interact with and smile at
attractive and approachable
people. And by the way, get off
the cell phone. The adorable
guy behind you in line at
Starbucks can’t say hi if you’re
on your phone, plus he’s
hearing you sound like a
complete idiot with your BFF.
14. You’re too hard to get. Yes,
everyone likes a challenge. No
one likes eager or desperate.
But employing “The Rules” or
some other silly tactic is just
going to leave you solo. If he
asks you out spontaneously for
tonight, that’s a real invitation. If
you are interested, accept. A
guy’s suggesting a plan on the
spur of the moment is not him
treating you badly. It’s him
expressing an interest in
spending time with you.
(Obviously, do the opposite of
what I say here if it’s a booty
call situation.)
15. Your number is too high.
OK, fine, you don’t want any
guy who cares about how many
people you’ve slept with.
Problem is….that’s most guys.
You don’t have to tell anyone
your personal data. Just be
aware that when you’re making
the rounds within a certain
community or group of friends,
word gets out fast. I don’t think
there has ever, ever been a guy
who got laid and didn’t tell
anyone about it afterwards. If
your number is high and that
fact is well known, you have
every right to find a new pack of
males and revirginate reinvent
16. You’re flaky. A plan is a
commitment. Don’t blow
someone off when something
better comes along. Don’t ditch
him because your friend “really
needs you.” Don’t double book
yourself. Don’t be late. Don’t get
drunk and not show. Women
constantly complain that men
aren’t reliable, but I’ve seen
plenty of women flake out on
17. You’re materialistic. You
know what? The best dates are
cheap dates. In fact, I think the
best dates I ever had were
actually free dates. Cooking
together. Hanging out. Taking a
long walk. I met my husband in
graduate school, and he was
dead broke. He was paying his
own way and had very little
money. We’d only been together
a month or so when my birthday
rolled around. He gave me very
inexpensive fun earrings, but
what I remember is the card he
made. All it said on it was: Head
Over Heels. That was the best
birthday gift ever.
18. You’re scared. You’ve been
burned before. You are
understandably wary. This
leads you to be withholding. He
puts it out there, lays it on the
line, and you just can’t
reciprocate. You really like him,
but you just don’t want to get
hurt again. This means he
knows up front that he will be
the one to get hurt. No guy will
stick around to watch that
happen. You’ve got to find a
way forward. There is no love
for any of us without
considerable risk, so do what
you need to do to work through
19. You’re rigid. You have plans
for Saturday night, but his
buddies are going to a game
that night, would Friday be OK?
You say, “No, you made plans
with me first. And Saturday is
date night.” He picks you up
and mentions that one of his
friends and his gf will be joining
the two of you for dinner, if
that’s OK. It’s not. You’re miffed
that you two won’t be having a
night alone. He wants to go to
the party, you don’t. You
grudgingly agree to go and stay
for an hour. After an hour, you
want to leave, he’s having a
great time. You let him know
that an hour’s up and it’s time to
leave RIGHT NOW. Being rigid
is largely about asserting
control. That’s never a winning
relationship tactic.
20. You’re a pushover. You put
up with all kinds of crap. You
allow yourself to be booty called
and stood up. You allow him to
tease you in a not-affectionate
way (comments about your
weight come to mind). You allow
him to pick fights, and then
forgive him for flirting or
hooking up with another girl in
the two hours you were broken
up. If you do not respect
yourself, he certainly isn’t going
to respect you, and your value
in his eyes will tank.
Full disclosure? I’ve
been guilty of at least
six of these
relationship killers,
possibly all at the
same time. Most of us
can relate to at least a
couple of them. If you
can’t, ask a close
friend to give you an
honest assessment.
What I have found in
my own life is that
becoming aware of my
behavior allows me to
look at it objectively,
and to begin to
change, or even just
“tweak” it.
Try a new approach,
and see what happens.
Can’t hurt!


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