[Remorse]: The following post is going to be REALLY
long. I'll post a TL;DR at the end. Forgive any error
if you find one, English is not my mother tongue. I'm
italian.
The event that lead me to write this post is the
following: tonight i should have gone to the movies
with a friend of mine. It's been a week since i saw
him, or since i saw anyone beside my mates at
university or my family. At first my friend tells me
yes. Then he tells me no because going to the
movies it's "boring" when there are just two people
going. Then he tells me yes again after 3 hours for
no reason. I should have gone pick him up at 21:45.
At 20:55 he message me telling me that he has to
wake up early tomorrow so he can't come. Like he
didn't knew it before telling me yes again. So it's a
saturday night i'll spend at home... again.
No, this time i decided i'll not stay at home. I'll go to
the cinema, by myself if nobody wants to come then
screw them! I'm tired of them always saying "no"
whenever there's something to do. So i dress
myself, pick up the car and go at the cinema. It'
less than 30 minutes from my town. I get there. And
oh my... There's so. Many. People. And they're
mostly guys and girls of my age (i've got 20 years).
And they're all in groups. But there's so many. I
felt... scared. I felt so insecure of me going alone
with all that people with their friends. What they will
think of a guy who goes there ny himself? I
probably was the only one. So, with all the delusion i
can feel, i take another way back home (a longer
one this time) and here i am. This was just the
introduction so sit down, the party has yet to begin.
My life, at this time, is a complete disaster. From an
external viewpoint, it shouldn't be. I've got no
financial problems and never had one. I still live in
my parents house, i go to university without
bothering paying, because my father cover my
expenses (at least the university ones). What's
wrong with that? Well... everything.
From the beginning: when i was like 7/8 years old,
everyone knew me as a carefree, active kid whose
dream was of being a comedian. Then as i grew up
things started to slowly get fucked up. Things
started to go down the toilet recently. Since the
start of this year.
I can't enjoy anything anymore. Can't enjoy books,
or music or movies, or videogames like used to. I
give myself some unhuman procedures to follow,
like: rad this book, then read this one even if you
would like to read that other one, because otherwise
bad things will happen. This applies to all the things
i said above. I can't even relax anymore. I've got a
house i go with my parents during summer every
two weeks. I'm alone, but since it's just 3/4 days i
just go there to relax, enjoy the sea, the sand, the
hot weather. I love it. This year i can't enjoy that
anymore. I'm always anxious, always agitated. I
don't know why.
My company of friends is almos definitely gone, it's
splitted in two different situations: some of them
doesn't call or message me, because they have
new companies to go out with, and even though i
know those people it seem like i doesn't exist
anymore, even if we knew each other since
kindergarten. So i start wondering: have i done
something to them? Something i don't remember?
Why they are ignoring me? The other half is the
company i spoke in the beginning: they are four
guys. One fo them get out of his home only
occasionaly: when we play RPGs, when there's a
movie he cares about, when a friend of his that has
restaurant invites him and us to go eating and play
board games at his home. His brother is the guy
who didn't want to go to the movies tonight. Another
one was someone who didn't had many friends
beside us and mostly wasn't prone to get out of his
home too much. Now he discovered the world, and
his behavior just got worse. He shows us as a
friend of us, but only when his other friends old
schoolmates and actual college mates, don't call
him. So it seems lime we are his friends, but they
are more "friends" than us. The last one doesn't
make himself alive very much, so it seems like he
doesn't exist most of the time. So i pass every day
of my life at home. Alone. I'm getting mad.
My relationship with my parents is getting worse:
my father wants to be informed about every test or
exam i do at the university. I know him: he doesn't
admit when someone get something wrong, he
thinks he is perfect and everyone else is inferior to
him, because he was poor as fuck when he was
young, and now he has a big house and a big car
and he gained all of this with his hands alone. So if i
don't pass an exam, he'll probably tells me that i'm
an idiot, and to go to work because i got an exam
wrong and i'm screwing him, using his money to do
nothing. He never cared of my results when i was at
school. My mother always gave me good advices
when i was at school, but now she wants to give me
advice of my provate life. Fact is: she thinks that i'm
"weird" or a "kiddie" because i play (better say
"plaied") RPGs with my friends and because i play
videogames and have a PC on which i spend a lot of
time on, and i should go to bars and socialize with
people i don't know because she thinks that i'll just
go into people conversations, say "Hey!" and then
BAM! i've got new friends. Unfortunately, nobody
here shares my same interests: nobody here
watches wrestling (oh yeah: my dad thinks i'm a bit
retarded because i like wrestling and dislike
soccer), nobody watches anime or manga, or has
read some books beside the classics everyone in
the world has read (i don't care about them beside
a few, i read mostly fantasy and sci-fi novels) or
plays videogames or RPGs. Everyone here is the
same: they go to clubs, follow soccer or cars or
MotoGP, and those who are the only which i get
along are both idiots or have some kind of mental
illness that they can't do that things and look like
normal persons while doing that.
Also i have acousticophobia: the most idiot phobias
of all. I fear bangs. Loud noises. Imagine how New
Year's Eve is for me, or periods where kids goes
throwing those things around like they're actually
funny.
And now the last and worst things of all: i lost my
abilty of dreaming. I gave up every dream of mine. I
faced the truth: i suck at maths too much to work in
the videogame industry, i suck too much at drawing
to draw something that doesn't look like shit. I'm not
athletic, not the smartest (actually i'm pretty
gullible). Before now i used to dream a lot:
impossible things. I dreamt of flying away from here
like it was actually possible, i wanted to be a hero,
like the one Sam talk about in The Lord of the
Rings, i wanted to save the damn world from evil
ike you read in books, like you see in movies and
cartoons and videogames. I know it sounds
pathetic: it IS pathetic. But worry no: igave up on
those things. I don't believe in them anymore. I
don't believe in myself, i don't believe in anybody.
I don't want this life, it 's so fucked up. There are a
fuckload of problems and i don't know how to solve
them. I was happy until 2 years ago. I want to go
back there. But i can't. Just like i can't save the
world, just like i can't be the hero i always
dreamed.
TL;DR: My friends either ignore me or have some
problems with going out so i'm always at home
alone, and i can't seem to find no new ones. My
parents are starting to annoying me be being
arrogant (my father) or wanting to decide every
aspect of my life because thay would have done
something different (my mother). I have a ridiculous
phobia that holds me back during certain period of
the year. I gave up all my dreams and i can't enjoy
nothing in the world, from everyday things to my
passions like i did some years ago. I hate my life
and don't know what to do.
If you've come to this point i thank you. And again, i
apologies if you found errors inthe text. As i said
English is not my mother language, and to make
things worst, i wrote in a stream of consciousness
so i just kept writing without caring if it was
gramatically correct.
It's almost midnight here, so i think i'll get to bed.
Thanks for reading again. Comments plz
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