Saturday, 20 December 2014

CONFESSION TIME: I love someone I shouldn’t

I’m in love with a first cousin. We
met for the first time a few months
ago. I knew I was in trouble the
second she spoke. She radiates
warmth, passion, confidence.
Things I deeply lack in myself. I
didn’t want this to happen. She
opened her heart to me and
cracked mine wide open too. I had
never felt closer to or more cared
for by anyone. When we talk she
gives me undivided, earnest
attention that makes me feel like
I’m the center of the universe…that
I’m worth her time. And she has a
lot going on in her own life. I fought
my feelings for her, but pretending
to be platonic is so painful. I feel
like I violated my own moral code
and in a way manipulated her trust
in me because I didn’t tell her the
truth. The truth is I have never felt
like this about anyone. She makes
me so happy. When I’m around her
I feel so safe, I feel like I can be
vulnerable, show my darkest side,
and she would still love me the
way she does. I feel like I can’t
hold back anymore. It’s killing me
carrying this secret in my heart
every single day. Trying to act
normal around her pushing back
tears wanting to be with her
knowing the truth will drive her
away. She knows something is
wrong because I’m distancing
myself and avoiding contact. I’m
hoping indifference will keep me
from falling even harder. It hurts
seeing her, it hurts not seeing her.
She wants to talk to me and help
me, and I’m dying to tell her, but I
fear the consequences. Losing her,
exposing me, breaking hearts all
over again. It’s ironic that the only
person I know who has overcome
heartbreak and could guide me
towards letting go and healing is
her.  I have never fallen so hard for
someone, never thought of all
people, it would be someone I’m
not supposed to love. I might have
idealized her, and think sometimes
maybe it’s the idea of someone
like her that I’m in love with.
Maybe it’s not really her that I
love. But either way, it comes back
to her. I feel sick. I don’t know
what is right. If I
continue acting platonic, we still
have each other. But our
relationship is not completely
honest because I’m hiding my
secret from her. I also risk doing
something stupid, shocking her,
shocking everyone. Hurting her ;
( Not to mention facing stigma,
rejection, humiliation. If I confess, I
destroy everything we had
together. But it would be a release
for me. I don’t like either option
because both involve a world of
hurt and pain. Why does it have to
be her? Why can’t I just unlove
her? What should I do?

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