Saturday, 10 January 2015

CONFESSION TIME: I have achieved a lot with lies, and I want to stop.

I've been thinking about the different ways to approach this. I wanted to tell you guys the whole story but that entails my whole life and that would be too much of a long read for those hungry for asap-secrets. I'll try my best to not victimize myself. * Alright. So as of this moment I lead two separate lives. One at home and one everywhere else. At my trailer park home I am a Honduran-born virgin, serious money problems, studious, hard-working, uninterested in the opposite sex until I have graduated from college. Everywhere else and to everyone else, I have been in a serious relationship with an SO for years, who is under the impression that I am half Italian/half vanezuelan, that I live in the suburbs in a nice house, that I belong to a middle class household, that I am a natural born Citizen. At home with my mom, I am the one that maintains the "house" afloat. I buy and sell what I can on Craigslist, I go to a local community college full time and I get refunds every semester that I use to pay bills and rent. She's very religious and has always emphasized the no premarital sex rule regardless of gender. She has chronic depression and when she did work she got fired from every place because of her temper and antisocial behavior. We don't have any family here. At school, I am this easy going person, not preoccupied with finances, my mom works a job that allows us live comfortably, I am of an exotic background that my friends and SO really dig. I drive a piece of shit car because I choose to, because I'm just hip enough to not care what people think. I am "really good" in debate because I have dedicated 10 years to eradicate all traces of a Honduran accent, but they think I just got lucky like every other American kid. I get home from having had sex with my SO after a good meal that cost me $30. I sit in the living room and tell my mom that classes let out later than usual while I'm looking through the gas, light, internet, and rent bills. I get so scared at the thought of my SO showing up outside my trailer house and seeing the lowlife that I really am. I am terrified that if I tell my friends the truth, they will think I am disgusting for being Honduran, that I am a dirty immigrant who has come here just to intrude. I don't want them to know how hard it is to earn the dollars that I do and for them to take pity on me and talk to me only because they feel sorry for who I am. These two separate lives started about 10 years ago, which means I have had the audacity to look them in the face and pretend to be a middle class Italian/Venezuelan. I even researched things like colloquialism examples pertaining to those cultures to be more convincing and make sure I was never discovered. I even thought about changing my nationality because I despised being Honduran so much. I've created such a mess of things, I feel like such a piece of shit every time I am with my SO and my accent slips for a second. I want to tell everyone everything but I feel so embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted with how far I let this go. I think of all the lies and coming clean and I melt into a puddle of fear and hate for myself. At least a couple of strangers know all of my truth. Thank you for devoting your time to this.
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